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My Diaryland
10:02 p.m. - 2024-02-21 The scheduled cream tea with first wife was nice and conversation with her did take my mind of my lot for a while. Even she realised I was distracted and she did ask me if there was anything on my mind, but I couldn't say to her. Perhaps I will soon. The only real break from everything happened when I visited Andy at the Studio early evening to drop off the red knob twin and collect my fee. While there, a band of young dudes in the rehearsal room started playing My Own Summer by the Deftones and it was like I'd escaped back through time to a happy place in my past where everything was right, life was good and of course the music was brilliant. It was short lived though and I'm back to over thinking the things that are on my mind. I asked M to reschedule our lunch date and although she said it was fine and she'd be back in touch with a new date, I know she will be wondering why I've asked her to change it but given no reason. Same with Donna, there won't be a lunch date this Friday at Ikea. I screwed up the band gig dates and realised its the following week the gig is, then the same is happening the weekend after on a Sunday with the new band. So basically, I'll be far too tired to travel all the way the her place two weeks in a row. Maybe I could ask her if she would like to come up to see me? She could also get to see the bands and see what I've been up too. Maybe even meet M and first wife but not Donna. The only problem I could see is that it may be too much for her all at the one time, especially if our regular groupies show up at the gigs. I dunno, life all seems so complicated all of a sudden. I was thinking of Rui on my evening exercise walk. I do miss the certainty of what we had for almost twelve years. Yes, it was an affair but it was structured and regular and worked for both of us. We never quarrelled once in all that time, or had moments of drama. Every single time when we met, we were looking forward to each other's company. It was in effect a perfect solution for both of us. A friend, a lover, no complication, and rules of engagement which were strictly adhered to. I still have the little Nokia mobile I used to switch on every Friday at 7pm waiting for her signal to go to her, and her message always came within the hour. I never needed to reply and the phone would be switched off and put away somewhere safe until the next assignation was due. It's not that difficult finding people to meet up, or hook up with these days. It is difficult finding someone who has the spark and that instant connection that gets you talking, showing genuine interest and being captivated by each other. And thats what I have with her and why I'm keen to see where we go together. I think it's worth it, that sort of connection doesn't come around often. However, everything seems to have changed since she told me she was late. There have definitely been mood swings and her temperament has changed from happy, smiley, attentive, complimentary and generally very loving to a sometimes mood-some and broody person who's demeanour seems to depend on which way the wind is blowing. She's also been a bit hot and cold metaphorically speaking. Is this the real her starting to show through or is she just still mad about that massage? Or are these symptoms of perimenopause? I so wish I hadn't sold that crystal ball my father gave me as a wedding present. He knew exactly what it was for and how useful it would become in married life. He said to me when I told him I was getting a divorce that I should keep it. It's likely I would need it more than ever as a bachelor. If only I had listened to him. Big Tam is due to visit tomorrow as planned. I'm not going to cancel his visit, not for anyone. Business is business and this will be a good deal to keep me afloat for the rest of the month if it goes to plan.
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