00:22 a.m. - 2024-02-04
A Molecule Of Me

If you ever find yourself here, whether out of curiosity, morbid fascination, or because of some self affirmation you still have about never having had any feelings, then there are things you should know.

I should thank you for what you gave me in the end. That was release from you, and from the emotional attachment I held on to for all these years. No thread was ever stretched tighter. I’m sure of that.

I’m sorry that your end of the thread snapped back and hurt you, and made you angry and made you hate. I never believed you could ever feel that way towards me. How did I ever misjudge you so much? For me, it was like a sudden wind in my sails after so long drifting without direction, moving me away from you as gently as I tried to do for so long but this time with purpose.

When I first met you, I was strong. You were the one who was hurting and thought you might not be able to carry on. I promised myself that I would stay with you until you didn’t need my support anymore. In time those roles reversed and you became stronger and I was the one left hurting and believing I might not be able to carry on. And you showed your true self in that moment. You were incapable of doing for me what I had done for you and given up for you. I never meant to love you but by then it was too late to change those feelings.

I often think which of us hurts the most from knowing each other. Me, the lover, the hopelessly romantic fool who believed and still believes that love always triumphs over adversity. Me, the man who despite everything still feels for and loves the person you once were. My beautiful memories and beautiful dreams of your former self, and the warmth in those memories that can still brighten grey days. The flowery, positive and on occasion romantic stories I have written of those times that were actually how it was for me. Times that you still don’t understand were really how I felt. That was my reality. Your own words from back then betray you, but then maybe it was all just a game to you and I was just a distraction to you.

So, That leaves you. Self affirmed, standing on the moral high ground I once stood upon before you knocked me off it, angry, the poacher turned gamekeeper, and capable of so much hate, and I wonder which of us is hurting the most? If all that hate was turned to love, you might just be the person I once knew. I've always known you hated yourself, and you were like that already when I first met you. Maybe I hoped that loving you would change how you feel about yourself but it didn't. Something from your past made you that way before we even knew each other.

Ask yourself this, how much love would you need to feel for someone to want to willingly give up everything you've built around you in your life, just to be with that person? Are you capable of feeling that much love for someone?

I have to tell you, I expected nothing more than indifference from you but the voracity of your response surprised even me. Somewhere inside, a twisted little part of me I didn’t know I had derived great pleasure from knowing that there is still a little molecule of me floating around inside you. One that can bump into a nerve ending or neurone, and remind you of me. It might be in the pit of your stomach, or floating around in the brain that lives inside your pretty head. It won’t however find its way into your heart because there is nothing there anymore except perhaps a void where I once existed. A void that you have never been able to fill in all your searching, and never will.

So thank you for what you did, it may even have been intentional. You always did have a thing for playing the psychology game. It was just matters of the heart you were never much good at except that is for breaking them. I suppose no one ever said breaking hearts was actually a sin, so in that respect neither of us did any wrong in doing so at the end of the day. As you once said, we were just victims of circumstance and for both of us it did change our lives but not in the way we once dared to dream it would.

If there is one burning question I could be allowed to ask you, just one last question that would make everything right if your answer was yes, it would be this:

Can I please have my “Dream a little Dream” stencil back?