10:48 p.m. - 2024-04-10
When the love dies, so does the forgiveness

It's late and The Maid is sleeping soundly, just in visual range from my armchair in our hotel room. It's been a day to remember and to forget for many reasons and I suspect she has as much reason to feel that way as I do. At the will reading today of a distant relative she has never met, she inherited by default her mother's share of an estate as her only surviving child. Suffice to say she's now a wealthy woman and won't need to worry about supporting Lilly when she goes away to University after the summer holiday break. In fact in all likelihood she won't need to worry about money again in her life if she looks after it wisely. When I collected her from the solicitors office she was in tears and just ran towards me and hugged me so tightly I struggled to get a breath. I suggested getting out of the rain and find a cafe where we could talk. Fuck the cafe she said, I need a drink!

The Maid said it was a mistake deciding to go in alone with a bunch of people she didn't know. There was a bit of animosity towards her from certain relatives. I don't think it has really sunk in yet with her what has happened and I couldn't help but think that the universe has done good today and given a very deserving woman who has struggled all her life some comfort and certainty for her future, as well as her daughters future.

Where I will fit in to all of this isn't something I have given much thought to yet. It's quite possible I might be getting traded in for a younger, more expensive model sooner than expected. At one point in the bar tonight she was rambling away about all the things that she could do. I'll buy myself a new car, she said and I'll buy Lilly a new car! Do you need a new car she said to me, and laughed. I smiled and said there was plenty life left in my car yet, but I did appreciate the offer. That sort of brought her back down to ground level. Money holds no real interest for me, other than having just enough to get by. I've learned that through a lifetime of never having had much of it. All I need and want from her is her mind, and her body. Either would also be fine but both together are the preffered option. We held our wine glasses up and toasted her good fortune.

Earlier that afternoon, I met up with and had lunch with Natasha. It was a meeting of revelations from both sides. Dreadfully sad information about Paulina I never knew was told to me. I told Natasha what happened from my perspective and she was also in shock. Kasia's father is Paulina's ex partner of ten years who she split with the year before I met her. She was pregnant at the time and he persuaded her to have a termination just before they split. I remembered all the nights where she cried herself to sleep and at the time wondering why that was. It all seemed to fit. It still didn't excuse Paulina sleeping with him when we were engaged at the time but Natasha said that a dark cloud of coercion hung over those events according to what Paulina had told her.

Natasha said Paulina had asked after me as she wanted to get in touch and explain everything to me in person. I felt like I was reliving everything from back then all over again and it hurt so much. Natasha said I should consider it at least as a lot of what happened, especially what her family back in Poland had done was inexcusable and unbeknown to her at the time. She said I should try to find some forgiveness and that it shouldn't be so hard if I did truly love her. Maybe I did back then but nearly eleven years have passed. Fuck. It's a tall ask by any measure.

We finished lunch and said goodbye. I told her I'd be in touch once I had decided what to do. I was going to tell The Maid today about Paulina and my meeting but have decided not to. It would serve no purpose. Somethings are best left in the past where they belong. Even if I did open a dialogue with Paulina, she will still always be the wife that ran away and left me, and had a daughter fathered by her ex partner while we were supposed to be a couple.

I think my forgiveness has been tested enough in this life, and not just with Paulina. It's true that you can always find it in yourself to forgive where there is still love in a relationship. When the love dies, so does the forgiveness. And there is no longer any relationship.

As I walked back to the hotel with The Maid holding on to my arm in the dark of a rainy city night, she looked at me and said she'd had enough of the city. Let's go home, she said as she tippy toed up to me and kissed me on the lips the way she is so good at doing. Yes, lets go home. There is nothing here in this cold hard city for either of us anymore.